Thursday, November 20, 2014
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
If you have experienced a pregnancy loss (stillbirth or miscarriage) in the past 6 months to 4 years, we want to hear YOUR story. Drexel University is conducting a research study to learn how women healed and moved on from the grief of their loss.
You are eligible if you:
1. Are between the ages of 19 and 50.
2. Live in the United States
3. Identify as either White/Caucasian or Black/African American
4. Experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth any time between October, 2007, and April, 2011.
The study is confidential and secure- your identity and medical information will be not be shared with anyone outside the research team at Drexel University. Your answers will not be linked to your name or identity. The study takes approximately 30-40 minutes to complete, and can be done online or over the phone (you can choose how you want to participate).
As a "thank you," we are offering a choice of a small "care package" (of lotion, chocolate, and tea), or a Dunkin Donuts gift card (both are worth approximately $5) to women who participate. Please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org if you are interested in volunteering for the study. Thank you- we are looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Now, 4 years have passed. We have another child, who contrary to what thoughtless folks might say, does not make up for their loss, but is a delight in and of herself. The loss of our sweet little ones is not forgotten and hasn't gone away, but it has transformed. Very seldom indeed do the waves of grief wash over me, instead it's more like a gentle swell of memory, of longing that makes me crave heaven.
The other day, our six year old daughter, who was only two when I lost the twins, asked, "Mommy, how old would the twins have been now?" I was stunned. I haven't mentioned them in front of her in I don't know how long, but she had a loss, too, and she remembered. I told her they would be three now and she said, "I wish they were here at the Lake with us." I do, too, honey, I do, too, but I know that we will not be apart forever. One day our whole family, all who believe in Jesus Christ, will be reunited - and there will be no more tears then.
Heaven is our home. Sometimes we get homesick.
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I had a very sad duty this week. A sweet grieving mama wrote a dear comment on this blog and though it made me sick to my stomach to think of hurting her, I had to delete the comment.
She had shared, in innocence I'm sure, a link to a site that taught things in direct opposition to the Word of God. Although I desperately wanted to comfort this mother instead of hurting her, as the owner and moderator of this site, I would be responsible if another grieving mother followed that link and instead of the truth, was deceived into believing a lie that would keep her from the true comfort of a relationship with God. The software won't let me edit comments or strip links, just accept or reject comments in their entirety.
So, if you comment, and don't see your comment appear - it may be that the software didn't notify me (I found five unmoderated comments today, some dating back to November that had not appeared when I moderated a couple of days ago!), but if you included a link, you may want to strip it off and repost, or email me to see if I had a concern.
God is faithful. He saves sinners. He loves His people. Even in the midst of great pain, He is there. He understands our griefs and our fears and doesn't leave us alone in them. How can we not love God when He sent His Son to die in our place; not because we deserved it, but because He loves us and desires us to be forgiven and right with Him. Don't be deceived by those who want to soothe away your conviction, trying to tell you that repentance is not necessary, that there are many ways to God. It is not true!
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the
Father except through Me. John
Oh dear mamas, I know it is comforting to think, as some say, that our babies might be reincarnated and returned to us, but that is not the truth! The Bible tells us instead that each man lives on earth to die but one time, not reincarnated to die again and again.
27 And as it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the
judgment, 28 so Christ was offered once to bear the sins of
My hope for our little ones is much, much better. Instead of being born into this fallen, sinful world, as King David said regarding the death of his infant son:
"And he said, "While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said,
'Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?'
But now he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to
him, but he shall not return to me." 2
My twins are in heaven, where the Lord God Himself comforts them and loves them. In His realm, there will be no more tears and no more death! Read about heaven, my friends, and understand that the truth is so much better than the lie.
So why do folks even teach things like reincarnation? Because they do not want to repent of their sins. They would rather think they can live life after life, gradually getting better until they get good enough for God. The Word says, though,
"There is none righteous, no, not one..." Romans
There is hope, though, for those willing to repent and believe:
"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in
us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and
to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I
If you want to see your little ones again, repent of your sins and believe in Jesus - that His death paid the price for your sins. That's the real hope.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Now, someone who knew the whole story and asked, "How are you?" really helped because they showed they cared; that I wasn't all alone in my grief. God is so good to give us friends who ask after us and just listen. I'm thankful for those questions!
So, what do you do? I suggest ignoring it and saying, "How are you? It's good to see you." You'll know if it is time to share by their response. If they stop and talk and show more interest in your life, by all means share, but an ambiguous response will keep you from dragging your feelings out when you just want to get through the line and check out.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
May your grief lead you to a closer relationship to the One who holds the keys to heaven. May you one day be reunited forever in heaven with your beloved child!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Saturday, December 13, 2008
How can we find hope and stay away from the pits of bitterness and anger and despair that seem all around us? I think we need to remember the whole Christmas story. When we think of Christmas, we think of babies, particularly the baby Jesus. This can be really hard when we are suffering the loss of a precious little one. What we forget is the whole story...
The Father sent His Son to earth knowing He would die a tragic death, executed though innocent, tortured though undeserving, suffering for sins He would never commit. Our dear Father knows grief and loss. He understands our pain and He loves us. He loves us so much He sent His Son to suffer in our place, to die for our sins, that we may live. When you remember the whole story, it takes the emphasis off the little newborn to the grandest story of all - The Creator who died for his Creations.
Please, throw yourself into His arms this season. He won't make light of your grief, but He will wipe away your tears. This season, let's keep our eyes on the end of the story, and the end of the story isn't the Cross... It's the eternal life we will share with our little ones where there is no more death, no more pain, no more loss. Look at the Christmas tree and think about how it's evergreen nature reminds us of eternal life and the lights of the Light of the World. Look at the wreaths and remember the circle is a sign of life everlasting and the red bows can remind us of the blood shed to give us that life. Look at the holly and think of the thorns that hurt Him and the blood He shed for us. There is so much in Christmas to remind us of the incredible love of our Savior.
May He wrap you all tight in His arms and wipe away your tears during this holy-day season.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Thankfully, life isn't restricted like that. God made us fertile from our teens to our forties and I don't see any Biblical justification (and not a heck of a lot of scientific justification) for limiting your child-bearing in any way from marriage to menopause.
For the record, after the very difficult miscarriage of our twins last year, I'm 44 and pregnant and I feel great. The babe is growing nicely and kicking constantly and I'm looking forward to another great birth.
If you are hoping and praying for another child in the wake of a devastating loss, please don't add to your stress by buying into all that age/biological clock business. Yes, my eggs are older, but my God is still sovereign. I serve the same God Sarah (Abraham's wife who bore Isaac in her old age) did. Why should we fear?
Friday, October 31, 2008
First of all, jealousy is a sin. I know. We have all been taught that birth control is so important, that you can get pregnant so easily, and now... we have empty arms. It seems like it's a right to have a family, to hold a child and it makes us angry to lose one instead. And then to look at all those for whom it seems so easy... it's hard not to be jealous. However, something being natural doesn't make it right. We are naturally sinners and jealousy is natural, yet the Ten Commandments say:
"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
Including your neighbor's easy pregnancy or baby. Likewise, bitterness is not appropriate for a Christian:
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice."
And so, if we examine our hearts and repent of all jealousy and bitterness, why is it still so hard to see little ones the ages of the ones we miss? Because we remember and we wish and our loss is renewed. I am crying writing this because I so wish our twins were here. Is that wrong? No. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus even though he knew Lazarus would be raised from the dead - right away. Death is our enemy and a result of the curse of sin. It is appropriate to grieve. It is not appropriate to grieve as those who have no hope.
Only those who do not understand the Sovereignty and Mercy of God have an excuse for bitterness and jealousy. Our Father knows our grief and loves us. Our children will be raised from the dead. We will see them again. Let's not give way to the sinful emotions of jealousy and bitterness. Our sin causes a separation between us and God and really, we need to be close to Him in this time of grief far more than we need to give way.
Friday, October 3, 2008
An incompetent cervix is a cervix that can not hold up the weight of a baby. It most commonly shows up in the middle of the second trimester, but that is not always true and it is important that you understand that. With my first child, my water broke and cervix began opening at 35 weeks. With my second, it was about 24-26 weeks, and with my third, 13 weeks! All over the place. So how can you know if incompetent cervix is your problem??
If you are showing cervical funneling (shown on transvaginal ultrasound), cervical shortening, cervical ripening (softening), dilating or effacement before the end weeks of pregnancy without having significant preterm labor, you may have an incompetent cervix. It is hard to tell whether it is your cervix or preterm labor because the cervical opening can provoke preterm labor. There is no real test for this.
Some doctors advocate a wait and see approach. Unfortunately, cervical change can happen very, very quickly and I know moms who appeared to be fine at their appointment and then lost their babies two or three days later. No thanks.
I think it is much better, if IC (incompetent cervix) is a possibility, to do a cerclage anyway. It should be done before 17 weeks and the earlier, the less likely you will have complications or infections. It is a simple, no problem stitching of the cervix and I would a whole lot rather have an unnecessary one than lose a child.
Sometimes, though, the opening is found too late to do a cerclage - it wouldn't be safe for the baby. At that point, there is still much that can be done: a Smith-Hodge pessary, anti-tocolytics (anti-labor drugs like nefedipine or terbutaline), and complete bedrest in the Trendelenburg position (lifting the foot of the bed a few inches). I was too late to get a cerclage with our second child, but with the help of these things was able to get him to 37 weeks anyway. It's much, much easier with a cerclage, but don't despair!
I highly recommend the IC Forum at Healing Our Broken Hearts for support and encouragement if you think you might have this problem!
It's been awhile since I've posted: I couldn't really think about it during the first few months of this pregnancy I was so nervous about losing this baby. I think that is one very hard thing about miscarriage - you never just trust that it'll be alright during other pregnancies. I have found it much harder to bond with this baby and to anticipate the baby's birth because I have worried so much about losing it. I hate that and I'm working on it seriously!
Monday, June 30, 2008
We have always told our children right away that we were expecting because we have to start getting ready right away! Now when we talk to the children about the baby, I wonder if we will soon be talking about grief. I wonder how much they will be hurt. I don't like this. I don't like the lost innocence of no longer assuming that one day we'll have a baby from this pregnancy.
I refuse to succumb to the temptation to wait and see before we tell anyone. I know that if we do lose another baby, it will be very hard to talk to everyone about it, but I also know that our baby deserves to be acknowledged, deserves to be known. Perhaps our love for our children, whether here with us or in heaven will encourage others to value life and to welcome children.
Perfect love casts out fear. Dear Heavenly Father, give me rest and peace in your perfect will and perfect love. Please take care of this little one and allow us to raise it if it is your will. In Christ's Name, Amen.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Finally a reader of this blog wrote me and suggested that I look at the pattern of breaks and when it restarted and sure enough, each restart was exactly 26 days apart - I was not continuing to bleed with a few breaks, but my cycle had reestablished itself, but the time of bleeding in each cycle was extremely long and the cycles short. I wish I had realized this sooner because I wonder if there is something I could have done to regulate my hormones (herbs or something) and shorten that bleeding that was keeping me worn out. By August, my cycles were more normal.
I hope this will encourage someone else to check the pattern when she seems to be bleeding for weeks and weeks. I pray for those who are reading this blog that our Lord would hold you in His arms and heal you.
Monday, January 21, 2008
In a new study published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Kaiser Permanente researchers report that women drinking less than 200mg of caffeine daily were 40% more likely to miscarry than those drinking none. Those drinking more than 200mg were twice as likely to miscarry as those drinking none. The study included over 1000 women and they allowed for differences in morning sickness.
On the other hand, researcher David Savitz, in Epidemiology, reports on a study of over 2000 women in which he found no link between miscarriage and caffeine. He did say the women in his study were light caffeine drinkers.
So where do we go from there?? Okay, 200 mg is about two cups of coffee or five cans of soda. The first study showed that caffeine from any source was a problem - soft drinks, coffee, even hot chocolate. It really upset me that one of the OBs at Kaiser Permanente who was not involved in the study advises women in their first trimester to limit consumption to that 200mg level. Is 40% increased risk acceptable to keep from giving up coffee - I don't think so!
I think it would be far wiser to say, "We have conflicting studies, but while this is resolved, avoid all caffeine. It won't hurt you and it may reduce your risk of miscarriage drastically." And that's my advice. Bye-bye caffeine!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The hardest time for me was late in the day when we were helping the children put together their toys. My little princess, our only girl, received twin baby dolls and a whole set of equipment for them - a twin stroller, twin high chair, twin cradle and more. The set was precious, but oh, was it hard to put together. When Hal and I were sitting there screwing it all together, it suddenly came over me how dear it would be to be putting these twin things together if we had the twins with us. I just lost it. Not upset at the toys, but instead sorrowful that we didn't have that. I had so been looking forward to our little girl playing with her twin dolls while I took care of our twins.
I really understood for the first time how difficult holidays can be. It reminded me of the first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my father died when I was fourteen. This Christmas, through my tears, the Father reminded me that He knew what it was like to lose a child to death and He would bring me through it, yet we were not to grieve as those who have no hope. I will not let bitterness have a place in my life. I will chose to rejoice in the reunion to come. May we have Merry Christmases that do not depend on the absence of sorrow, but instead are all the sweeter as we remember that this is why the Savior was born - to take the sting from death - Oh grave where is thy victory?????? He is risen, and so will we be one day!
Friday, December 21, 2007
"To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
May He wrap you in His arms and help you to see the eternal future where our children await us. May He wash you clean of your sins and prepare you to join them in heaven: repent of your sins and trust His sacrificial death on the cross as payment for your sins. Then you will be right before God and look forward with joy to heaven.
I love you and pray His comfort for you!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
It has been a tough week, mainly through the innocent, though stupid, comments of others. Several times this week on meeting someone new, they asked about our family. When they heard we have six boys and one girl and that she was three, they "naturally" assumed, "You finally got that girl," like it was a relief that we didn't have to have any more children.
I have to admit that I couldn't stand it and said, "Actually we lost twins in the spring." Thankfully, folks said the right thing at that point, but it's still hard to have empty arms.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Tonight dh came home from a business trip and we sat down as a complete family for the first time in three weeks. He and I both several times looked around, thinking everyone was not at the table yet - but, they were! We then looked at each other and I said, "Someone is missing."
This was really hard this summer, as my "child count" in my head was already messed up because of the twins, when our eldest left to spend the summer out of the country. All summer I felt like I wasn't entirely sure how many children I had, much less how many were supposed to be with me. Weird.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
How I wish they were here in my arms. As soon as I found out we were expecting twins, I had a picture in my mind of the two of them as newborns dressed in those little nightgowns lying on my bed next to the bedrail, curled together like spoons. My hand was across their chests and I could feel them breathing.
I know that will never happen, but I do know that I will see them again. I am so thankful that our Father sent Jesus Christ His Son to die for our sins. I am so thankful that I will one day be in heaven with my heavenly Father. And I am incredibly grateful that I will be together with my loved ones once again - the father who died when I was 14 and the little babies who preceeded me when I was 43.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
I'm also happy, though, because it has now been two weeks since I've had any spotting! Hip hip hooray!
I'll let you all know what happens...
Saturday, July 28, 2007
The title Jesse Lives with Jesus comes from the mouth of my 3 year old. Marcy, Miriam and I were riding in the van recently. We had just pulled out on to the road from our house when Miriam began to speak of Jesse.
She asked me, "Mommy, does Jesse live with Jesus?"
"Yes, Miriam. Jesse lives with Jesus."
"Is Jesus taking care of Jesse?"
"Yes, baby. Jesus is taking care of Jesse."
Thank you Miriam for the pleasant and comforting reminder... "Jesse lives with Jesus." One day, I will see my precious babies. 2 Samuel
Read the rest of it here: Part 2 Part 3
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
God’s great design in all his works is the manifestation of his own glory. Any aim less than this were unworthy of himself. But how shall the glory of God be manifested to such fallen creatures as we are? Man’s eye is not single, he has ever a side glance towards his own honour, has too high an estimate of his own powers, and so is not qualified to behold the glory of the Lord. It is clear, then, that self must stand out of the way, that there may be room for God to be exalted; and this is the reason why he bringeth his people ofttimes into straits and difficulties, that, being made conscious of their own folly and weakness, they may be fitted to behold the majesty of God when he comes forth to work their deliverance. He whose life is one even and smooth path, will see but little of the glory of the Lord, for he has few occasions of self-emptying, and hence, but little fitness for being filled with the revelation of God. They who navigate little streams and shallow creeks, know but little of the God of tempests; but they who “do business in great waters,” these see his “wonders in the deep.” Among the huge Atlantic-waves of bereavement, poverty, temptation, and reproach, we learn the power of Jehovah, because we feel the littleness of man. Thank God, then, if you have been led by a rough road: it is this which has given you your experience of God’s greatness and lovingkindness. Your troubles have enriched you with a wealth of knowledge to be gained by no other means: your trials have been the cleft of the rock in which Jehovah has set you, as he did his servant Moses, that you might behold his glory as it passed by. Praise God that you have not been left to the darkness and ignorance which continued prosperity might have involved, but that in the great fight of affliction, you have been capacitated for the outshinings of his glory in his wonderful dealings with you.
Monday, July 9, 2007
As the Lord walked with me through this valley of death, I began to see what the Psalmist was talking about:
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,And to take Him at His Word;Just to rest upon His promise,And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’erJesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!O for grace to trust Him more!O how sweet to trust in Jesus,Just to trust His cleansing blood;And in simple faith to plunge me’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,Just from sin and self to cease;Just from Jesus simply takingLife and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;And I know that Thou art with me,Wilt be with me to the end.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
In searching for more information about that, I found a great site that you ought to visit before you schedule a D&C: The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage Site That way, if you do have a miscarriage, you won't have any regrets. There is a very good forum with lots of helpful information about the different options.
Friday, July 6, 2007
I really think I've just done too much, but it's very hard not to when things go on this long - life has to continue! Of course, it may have been that I was expecting twins and had more placental site to heal.
Regardless, I hope you dear ones who are still going through this will be brought to rapid healing!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
It shakes me up to realize that this behavior grieves the Holy Spirit. I know that He is interceding for me "with groanings too deep for words." I am thankful for that, I do not need to be grieving Him.
There's more I want to write about this - I feel like this is a huge trap set for us - but there's no time today.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
I wrote about this at the beginning of my recovery process, but I wanted to give you all an update. For one thing, I'm still bleeding, two months later. It seems that my bleeding trails off to mucous, stops entirely for a few days then starts back. It's pretty frustrating, but I believe it's just because I'm overdoing it on a regular basis. I have no clue how to stop doing too much, though, homeschooling seven children and helping my husband in the midst of a business start up! It's just a busy, busy life.
The good news is that my hemoglobin seems to be recovering nicely. A week or two after the miscarriage and hemorrhage, it had recovered to 9.1. About 3 and 1/2 weeks later, it was up to 10.6 even after a weekend with several severe bleeds. I think it is because of my three pronged approach: iron (liquid is supposed to be best), and vitamin C and liquid chlorophyll with every dose of iron. I took iron three times a day at first.
I am feeling much better and my friends say my color is coming back!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Here's what I planted: a yellow Flying Saucers coreopsis, a variegated English ivy with yellow borders, and two Blue Carpet speedwells along the back - they are all perennials. On the left and around counterclockwise are two purple calibrachoa (the purple flowers have yellow centers), two purple "Ride the Wave" trailing petunias, then two purple Ramblin' trailing petunias. It looks wonderful, very old-fashioned.
I felt like it was important to leave it looking like I would like to remember it, since we are seldom down here. When we come back to plant the trees, I'll have to change out the flowers to some that can tolerate shade, but these are just perfect for now.
The night I passed the babies, we wrapped the placentas and all in some pretty fabric out of my sewing basket, then placed them in ziplock bags in the freezer. We knew there was no way I would be able to travel for some time after my hemorrhage, so this is the only thing we could think of to do. In retrospect, I would place the fabric-wrapped bundles in a small bag, wrap them in more fabric, and put in another bag.
For the burial, we placed them just like that in a lovely soft blanket inside a waterproof safe about 12" by 12" by 5" that I bought at Wal-mart. I did that so that if the land were ever sold and we needed to move the site, the box could easily be moved.
In case it were found many years later by our descendents, or by anyone else, Hal wrote a letter to place inside it, telling the circumstances and who we were and pointing the reader to the Lord.
Our relatives questioned what were the legalities of the situation. Here's the deal: in most states, a miscarriage before 20 weeks does not receieve a birth certificate or a stillborn or death certificate, so is not considered human remains (I know - what do they think they are??). The good thing is, this means you do not have to go through a funeral home or bury your miscarried child in a cemetary, but are free to bury them on your own property.
After 20 weeks (or a week or so either way, depending on the state) then health regulations come into play. I understand though, that some funeral homes may donate their services in such cases.
Regardless of the circumstances, I encourage you to memorialize your little ones in some way. If you had a natural miscarriage at home, then find a special place to bury them. If you had a D&C and the hospital wouldn't release the remains, or you didn't even know to ask, do remember that our Father in heaven knows exactly where every atom belonging to every person is and will bring forth His people with new bodies that are not subject to corruption! If you don't have anything to bury, you can still plant a tree, or a flowering shrub or a little garden to remember them by. Create something beautiful as a reflection of your faith in the resurrection to come when we will meet our loved ones in the air!
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Now don't be mistaken, from the spot where we laid the twins, to the left you see our decrepit old trailer, nearly hauled away as scrap many times in the past few years. To the right you see the old brush pile, with a little trash mixed in for good measure - like a twenty year old rubber raft rotting under the branches. But look straight ahead and see soul-refreshing peace. I think this time in our lives is a lot like that: looking straight ahead, we see our dear understanding Lord and the hope of heaven, but when our minds are distracted from Him, we see all the ugliness of living in this fallen world - the days and years without our dear ones, the pain, the hurt from others, the whole crashing burden. Let us seek Him who says, "Come unto me and I will give you rest." Let us keep our eyes on Him!
Today, with a lot of tears and trust, we laid what our twins left behind in the earth, reminding each other again and again that one day we will all meet again. Hal gathered the children around and read the story of David's hope when his baby son died and then the hope of all believers in the return of the Lord and the resurrection of our bodies. This was so hard for my dear husband - he had a difficult time talking through his tears. We prayed and rested in the assurance of the reunion to come. Thank you, heavenly Father, that this life is not the end, but only the beginning and that the sorrows of this present age are not worthy to be compared to the joy to come.
We placed a stone over the spot that Hal's mother gave us. Many, many years ago, at the old church that both our families historically were involved with in the mountains, the graves were marked with uncut stones - perhaps there was no stone mason in the community. A few years ago, the church decided to replace these with marked stones so those graves could never be lost to memory. Hal's mom brought several of the old unmarked stones back home and she gave us one to mark the spot. I was so grateful!
Later in the day, I went into town and bought some lovely flowers to plant there until we could get back to plant the trees. I didn't want to plant the trees in such a dry summer for fear they wouldn't make it. We'll come back later in the year to do that. I'll try to post a picture when we get home so you can see what we did. I'll also plan to post more practical details for those of you dear ladies who are facing this, too.
Love you all!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
This is the only land in either of our families likely to stay in the family and it's a precious place to us - where we spent the first three months of our marriage. However, when my husband called the close relative who had agreed to let us bury the little ones there, this person didn't remember talking about it. Now, I don't know how this could be since I asked them in person less than 48 hours after we found out that the second baby had gone to be with the Lord. Well, I could tell something was wrong from what Hal was saying and pretty soon, he passed me a note that said, "They don't remember the conversation." I just lost it. I went upstairs and wept and wept. I felt like there was no safe place on this earth to leave my dear ones' bodies. I just couldn't handle it. I finally just had to leave the house and go on to a meeting I had tonight - to suck it up and not think about it because I felt like I was losing it.
That's a storm. It can be anything really that can bring it on - something that makes you remember what could have been - someone's unkind words - a song - a thought - anything that catches you emotionally raw. It's very overwhelming when the winds are blowing hard and the waves are swamping your ship. When you wonder if you'll come back up. When you just want to die and be done with it. BUT, our anchors hold. Cling to the Lord! Shelter yourself in His wings. Fall into His arms. He knows the loss of a beloved child. He has wept. "He is the master of the waves... billows His will obey." If you are trusting Him, you will not be overcome!
This is the point where I just cried out, "Oh help me, dear Father. Oh help me!" And He did. I remembered that we grieve as those who have hope. Our children will not be left in the ground - they are in His arms! The resurrection morning will find them no matter where they are and I will meet them in the air if we haven't met in heaven before!
I do need you to pray for me, dear sisters and brothers. Hal and our family worked it out and we are going down there to bury our little ones. I don't know how I'm going to hold up emotionally in dealing with the burial and in visiting, especially after this squall. Please hold me up in prayer. I love you all!
Monday, June 11, 2007
I think that grieving alone is extraordinarily hard. Why do we have visitation the night before the funeral when a loved one died? Of course, it is ostensibly an opportunity for everyone else to say goodbye, but I really think the family benefits by knowing others are grieving with them and sorrowing and praying for them. I remember when my mother in law was widowed. She said that she wished it was still the fashion to go into mourning clothes, to wear black for a year. She craved some public statement that she was grieving; some immediate identification that she was hurting. I understand now.
Have you ever just told someone you thought would be interested that you had a miscarriage and had them look at you like "Oh no! Why are you telling me this?" It really, really hurts. It is sad that miscarriage comes with no predetermined cultural rituals that declare our pain. Instead, it is up to those of us who've been through it to support and sorrow with our friends when they suffer. I wish I hadn't had to go through this to understand it, but let us comfort others; let our pain be blessed by the Lord to transform us; to make us instruments of His grace!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
James Herriot was in veterinary school in Edinburgh and he had just attended his first great lecture - on the anatomy of the horse. He walked out of the lecture hall feeling a veritable expert, an insider, one with knowledge. He saw a carthorse standing on the street and came up to examine this creature as one with special knowledge. The horse grabbed him by the back of his collar and suspended him from his mouth until the driver appeared. The coalman reacted in fury, shouting that he shouldn't mess with things he knew nothing about.
Mr. MacRobert describes the scene on 24 July 1567, as related by Nau: Lindsay and Ruthven enter the queen's chamber, where she is lying prostrate from her troubles and a "great flux caused by the miscarriage of twins." MacRobert describes an envoy's letter dated a week before describing her as 7 weeks pregnant. He speculates on the date of conception as being before or after her marriage to Bothwell on May 15 - all historically debateable matters. What gets me is this paragraph on page 62:
A miscarriage of twins resulting from a pregnancy following her marriage on 15 May could not have been apparent to her attendants. Even if she had conceived as early as her abduction on 24 April it is highly unlikely that a twin miscarriage could have been recognised in the "great flux" reported by Nau. Perhaps an attendant made a mistake over the twins or Mary had been pregnant before her abduction.
Monday, June 4, 2007
When I lost the twins, I wanted a beautiful box, too, but I couldn't find one anywhere. I searched on memory boxes and found a lovely charity, Memory Box Artist Program. They are a group of artists that make handmade memory boxes to send to hospitals for parents suffering the loss of an infant. I paged through the site, and saw so many lovely boxes. I thought about how much I'd love to have a simple blue one with lovely flowers - no angels, no teddies, just memories. I wrote one of the volunteers, asking is she knew of anyone who sold or gave boxes to parents who suffered an earlier loss at home. The sweet lady who I emailed said that though it wasn't strictly in their mission, that they'd be glad to make me a box. I didn't tell her what I wanted because I felt like they were doing me a special favor and I didn't want to be presumptive. A couple of weeks later, I received the most gorgeous pastel blue box with a garland of painted flowers on the top that says, "Precious Memories," and it was even lined with lovely padded cloth. It was made by Mary Bobrowski - a wonderful artist. It was the very box I had dreamed of! Isn't God good? I don't know why He choose to give me this when so many of my dear sisters haven't had anyone do something like this for them. I do know I was at a very low ebb in my life and not just the loss of the babies - I believe our Father was showing me that I was safe in His arms, not abandoned, not forsaken.
If you have the opportunity to help this charity or others like it (I just found Joshua's Boxes in the UK) please do - they are doing a worthy thing! If this is something you would like to have, or to give to someone, a lovely box can be made out of a hatbox as well, and I trust the Lord will lead you to just the right one, too. :-)
He tells us he had a bit of excitement: His plane was 45 minutes late leaving home and he only had a 45 minute layover. He had to run to make the next segment!
I'm wondering what the Lord had in mind this morning. I felt an urgent need to pray for him after his plane landed - he was probably clearing customs. After some time, the need to pray went away and moments later the phone rang - he was there!
I am beginning to realize just how much we need to flee to the Lord in prayer when we have anxiety. He is able to give us the peace that passes all understanding in the midst of all sorts of turmoil. For those of us grieving, how important it is, that we seek solace in Him!
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Susannah is healing, but her cut still looks very angry. The stitches are just about to the point of absorbing. Please pray she will not pick at it.
My bleeding seems to be reducing and turning more mucousy. I'm so ready to be done with the physical part of this.
I have a happy providence to share with you tomorrow!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
My eyes long to see you
Now you behold Him.
Now you know perfect love.
Now you sing His praises.
I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feetNow you will never know hunger.
I dreamed of years of love and laughterNow you play at His pierced ones.
Now you will never know pain.
Now you are perfect.
But I know He loves you.
By Monique Stam (Used by permission)
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
They stitched the poor dear up (with all the residents and nurses watching through the observation window - she won everyone's heart) and I prayed my bleeding would stop and she wouldn't scar. Arrrggghh. Got to tell you that as she's coming out of the anesthesia, her daddy asked, "Do you want a popsicle, Sweetheart?" She answered, "I need chocolate." That's my girl!
The bleeding did stop - and this morning I had none at all - not even any mucus. This really worried my because I was afraid I had a clot on my cervix and might be bleeding without seeing it. I talked the situation over with two midwives who are friends of mine and decided to go to see my doctor for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed an empty uterus, the HPT was completely negative this morning, and the bleeding, though starting again, is scant. Please may we be done with this? BTW, my hemoglobin was up to 10.9! A wonder after all the blood I've lost. My blood loss recovery plan must be working!
In the midst of all this, our seventeen-year-old son, will be leaving this Sunday to spend three months in an Asian country, working with my brother. This will be a *very* challenging time for him -- he speaks a little of the difficult language, but he will be living with our sister-in-law's father, who speaks no English at all. He will be making his way around the largest city in the world by himself and working very long hours with my very demanding brother. There are no known believers in the situation, limited if any fellowship with the expatriate church, and not even Christian websites, because they are blocked there.
In other words, he will be simply living faithfully among them. What an opportunity to impact the world!
This Wednesday is our day to fast and pray for John, as well as the many trials we have been undergoing in business, ministry, health and even our house and we would appreciate any of you who feel led pray for him and us as he starts this great venture. Thanks for all your friendship!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
I'll try to post a picture of it soon.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Love you all,
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
If you have already seen a heartbeat and now there is not one, or if your second ultrasound confirmed an early loss, I am so sorry!!! I wish I could put my arms around you and pray for the Lord to comfort you. Thinking carefully about what to do next can really make a difference in how you recover.
Don't feel like you have to be in a rush to make a decision. Many women are rushed into D&C and have second thoughts afterward. There is no hurry at all unless you are hemorrhaging. Many women have waited weeks with no consequences.
If seeing the baby and burying it is important to you (and many, many women don't realize how important it is to them until it's too late because they were too numb to make decisions and were rushed), then you may want to opt for waiting for a natural miscarriage. At the very least, you should make it very clear to your doctor and the hospital that you want the remains if you have a D&C. Some are helpful with this, many are not. Contrary to what some hospitals say, you need no special permission to take the remains of a baby that died before 20 weeks (in most states, this may vary a week or two) or to bury it. Please don't miss this just because you think it will be gross - it really isn't and helps many women.
If you opt for a natural miscarriage at home, you may benefit from talking to and consulting a midwife. The midwife in my area was far, far more helpful, informative and resourceful than my very good OB. Also, if you've consulted a midwife you'll have someone to call if you have questions or difficulties whose automatic answer is not going to be "go to the hospital."
If you don't want to wait at home, or to have a D&C, there are meds the doctor can give you or herbs the midwife can, to induce your body to go ahead and labor, either at home or at the hospital.
If you are a friend or a relative of someone in this position, particularly if they are waiting for an ultrasound to confirm a loss, it is hard to support her, because I'm certain she doesn't want to talk about miscarriage right now. However, if she goes into the doctor without thinking over her options, she may get railroaded and have a harder time emotionally recovering. Pray you'll have the wisdom to know how to talk to her. Maybe even to just say, "I really recommend you don't make any decisions there at the doctor's office. Many women regret the decisions they make in a hurry like that."
I hope that helps some :-(
My current issue is when will it be over physically??? I know no one can tell me that, but even after the Big Fat Negative, yesterday when I was getting my son a Chinese visa, I passed a little more tissue and started bleeding some more. Enough already!
Monday, May 21, 2007
All that to say, that the most comprehensive explanation of the recovery after a miscarriage I have read is at Facts About Miscarriage It's a little weak on natural miscarriage, there's more info about D&C, but there's more information there than I've seen anywhere else. It's very comforting to read the wide range of experiences that other women have had and to have an idea of what's normal and what needs follow-up.
I'd really appreciate your prayers this week, as I have no idea how I'm going to manage at conference - it makes my heart beat out of my chest to walk up the stairs =:-O
Love you all!
Friday, May 18, 2007
HCG or human chorionic gonadotropin is the hormone that it released into your body when you first get pregnant. That's the hormone that HPT tests respond to in your urine. When you have a miscarriage, it can take up to 7 weeks or more for the HCG to be completely out of your system. Until it is, your regular fertility cycle won't work. Lingering HCG can be a sign of a molar pregnancy, retained fragments from the pregnancy, another baby in there, or just your body taking a long time to break the hormone down. It was the retained fragments part that concerned me.
I had a miscarriage of twins a few weeks ago with a hemorrhage. A week later I visited my OB's office for a check up and she found some tissue in my cervix. She and I were both extremely concerned that I could have retained tissue and could have another bleed when it let go. That would have been extremely dangerous since my hemoglobin was very low from the hemorrhage. I didn't want to go back for HCG testing because money is extremely tight right now. I did have a stock of very sensitive HPTs, though, so I decided to check every week until I got a negative. [Update after checking the test later that day.] This week the test had only a very, very faint positive line. Maybe we're almost to the end of the physical part. That'll warrant a Happy Dance!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The best thing to say is: "How are you doing?" and then really listen. This will mean so much to her! You can ask this as many times as you see her for as long as you remember - she'll remember longer.
Some other great things to say:
"I'd like to bring you a meal. Would Thursday be good or is there another day that would help you more?"
"I'm so sad about the baby. I feel so sad not to get to know my grandchild (or niece or friend's child) yet." It helps so, so much to know others love your child, too.
"Can I give you a hand with the laundry? I'd love to come to your house to do it or just pick it up, either way!"
"I'm going to Wal-Mart, can I pick you up anything?"
"I'm going to the grocery store. Can I bring you some milk or other groceries? Do you have a list of what you need?"
"I've been thinking about you and praying for you."
"I'm praying for your whole family."
"I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you." Don't say I'm sorry again and again, though, because then she feels compelled to say, "It's okay," but it's not.
"Can I give your children a ride to..." Sometimes she just doesn't want to go out in public, maybe emotions are too near the surface. Sometimes she isn't physically able to go out in public.
"I had a miscarriage and I still think about my baby. I still cry sometimes, too." She may especially want to talk to someone likely to understand.
Some great things to do:
Send an email. It will likely be printed out and saved.
Send a card. These will be treasured as a physical connection to her baby.
Send flowers or a plant. Physical reminders of your love and her baby are such a blessing.
Make a meal.
Wash a load of laundry or cut the grass. When you are grieving, it is hard to get the basics of life taken care of - it's hard to care.
Buy or make her a memory box to put her things in. When my sister-in-law lost her firstborn son to stillbirth, the Lord enabled me to find her a beautiful blue victorian-looking box with cherubs and script saying, "How bright things are here..." She placed her little one's blankets and footprints and everything else she could in it and it is one of her most treasured belongings. Wish I could find one for myself now!
If she will be able to have a burial, buy or make her a white metal box to put the remains in.
Give her a hug whenever you see her.
Pray for her and her whole family whenever you remember.
Do something special for her and pray for her when her due date nears - that can be a very difficult time.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Friends and family can be a huge blessing during this time or they can be a great challenge. I know before I had a miscarriage I didn't know what to say to people. Here are some bloopers that sweet, well-meaning people say that make things much harder for the family:
"Aren't you glad you aren't big and pregnant right now? - It's so hot!" Well, no, she's not glad. She'd cheerfully crawl across the Sahara to be carrying her baby again.
"It's for the best. There must have been something wrong with it." Really, she doesn't care. She'd much rather be holding her baby with some birth defect, than be left with empty arms.
"You have other children." Anyone who has other children knows that each child is incredibly special and unique and no one can take their place - and no one can take the place of the lost baby.
"You can always have another baby." She really doesn't know if she can. Only God can open and close the womb and she may not get pregnant again and she knows it.
"You couldn't afford a baby right now anyway." Maybe it doesn't seem so, but she'd sell everything she owned to be pregnant again.
"At least you have another baby! (to a mother expecting twins)" She is grieving not only a child (which is plenty!), but the loss of the relationship between the two and the whole special experience of twins.
"I'm so glad that's over!" You may be happy her physical miscarriage is over - you were probably worried about her, but realize it's not over for her and in many ways, it will never be over - she has lost a child.
"Maybe this is God's way of telling you to stop having children." This is a terrible thing to say. This is not the way the Lord deals with His people. He does not rebuke them for trusting Him. His Word says that children are a gift from Him, a reward - he's not going to punish someone for welcoming His gifts!
"It's the Lord's will." This is absolutely true, but if she's an unbeliever, this may feed her anger at God and make it harder for her to flee to Him when she really needs to. If she is a believer, she knows this already and it can feel like you are rebuking her for grieving, though I know you don't mean to.
"Don't worry, you'll forget all about it." Nope and she doesn't want to.
"You ought to be grateful for the children you have." She is! That's why she is grieving this one so much!
"I know just how you feel." This one doesn't bother me, but many women don't like it because they know everyone grieves differently.
"_______" Lots of folks don't say anything because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. This makes a mother feel like no one recognizes her loss and she feels very alone.
Wondering if it's okay to say anything? It is so important to say something! Tomorrow we'll talk about what TO SAY :-)
Monday, May 14, 2007
Don't go out of town or let your dear husband go out of town if you are waiting on a miscarriage!
If you start the active part of a miscarriage and you are alone or just with your children, call another woman to come stay with you until your husband or midwife can get there. You don't need privacy as much as you need safety.
Make sure someone stays in the room with you - if they have to leave the room, they shouldn't leave earshot.
Don't sit or lay on a towel - especially a dark colored one! - if you can help it. It is easy to underestimate how much you are bleeding if you can't see it. Chux pads are a better choice.
Don't despair, thinking this is going to take forever, or mar your life, or take away your joy. If you have Christ, you can know for sure, that he has come:
3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of
heaviness; That they may be called trees of
righteousness, The planting of the LORD,
that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3
Friday, May 11, 2007
Five days after the day we found that our second twin had died in utero at 10 weeks, I foolishly encouraged my husband to take our children to the science museum in another city to celebrate my 7 year old's birthday while I stayed home to take our eldest for a doctor's appointment. After the doctor's appointment, while I was checking out, I realized that I could feel blood coming out and it felt like my pad was barely holding it. I had been mildly bleeding for six days, so was wearing a pad. I rushed out to my son's jeep, calling my husband on the way and telling him to rush home. He was an hour away, though! By the time I got to the jeep (not far), I could feel blood on my thighs. Thankfully, I had put a towel on my seat in the jeep just in case. I have precipitous labors (very fast - less than an hour) and didn't know how quickly this might go. I told my dear son to drive us home as quickly as he could under the speed limit. He took one look at me and said, "Mom, are you sure you want me to stay under the speed limit??" I told him we didn't have time to get stopped by a policeman and we had to drive right through town! By the time I got home (6 or 7 minutes) I needed the towel desperately as I was bleeding quickly.
I need to tell you here that I have an incompetent cervix. That means that my cervix dilates without labor until about 7cm. Now obviously, you don't have to be fully dilated to pass a first trimester baby. Most stories I've read start with perhaps slightly heavier bleeding, but mainly cramping and a good bit of it. I did have some cramping the day before we found out the first baby had died and I also had cramping the first night I found out the last baby had gone home to heaven. My lower back hurt - the best way to describe it is a hurt that makes you want to arch your back like a cat - and I felt some menstrual type cramping. My husband was out of state and I think I couldn't let go with him gone. It stopped before morning. I had no cramping the day I actually passed the babies. I think my incompetent cervix had just been stretched enough without it.
When I got home, I rushed upstairs with my cell phone and told my son to keep his cell phone in his pocket. On reflection, it would have been wiser to tell him to stay upstairs so that I could just call out to him to call for help, but I really didn't want him traumatized by this - I want a lot of grandchildren! :-) Thankfully, the first night when I couldn't sleep, I brought some supplies up into my bathroom - some paper towels, some small bowls, the HemHalt and PlacentaOut my midwife had recommended, some towels. Knowing more now, there are some things I would have definitely had in there.
There was definitely a lot of blood. Pretty quickly I passed the broken sac and broken placenta of the little one who died first, over a month ago. I then began to bleed more heavily, so I moved into the tub in case I fainted since I was alone. I had been told by some if you soaked more than one pad an hour, to call for help, but another medical professional told me to soak more often is fine, but you didn't want to soak more than five in a row without help. Well, within 30 minutes, I had soaked 5 and it showed no signs of stopping. What confused me is that at this point I felt fine - not weak or faint at all. I called my friend who is a midwife and talked to her and she recommended that I wait fifteen minutes to see if I passed more tissue, then take HemHalt. I think she did not realize how much I had lost because I sounded so calm - I have this problem in labor, too :-) On reflection, at this point I should have told her I was alone and asked her to come. Wish I had. Fifteen minutes passed, but I was concerned I had not passed everything. What I had passed did not look like a ten week old and I knew one had been alive after 8 weeks. I took a dose of PlacentaOut, knowing that things had to draw to a close pretty soon at the rate I was bleeding! Very soon after that, I passed a perfect little placenta and attached sac.
Moments after that, my dear husband walked in and I praised God that he was there! I told him that I needed HemHalt and that is the last thing I remember. He says I took it, put it in my mouth and then slumped forward unconscious. The next thing I remember is fighting my way through swirling dream images sucking me down like a whirlpool, trying to reach my dear husband who was calling me to come to him. How I love him!! As I came back to consciousness, I was so confused, I didn't know where I was or why. I was so thankful that he was explaining to someone on the phone the whole situation, which clued me in. He told me the midwife was on her way. Then we realized the HemHalt had spilled out on my tummy and I immediately took another dose. We rubbed my fundus, took HemHalt and prayed! I am so thankful the Lord brought my husband home at that moment. Who knows what would have happened if he'd been even 15 minutes later?
In a short time (there is no way to accomplish what she did under the speed limit :-) my old friend and midwife walked in. I was so happy to see her and know she'd know how to manage. She treated me with emergency medications and got the bleeding stopped. I lost a lot of blood! She was so tender and gentle with me that I did not feel her prescence an intrusion, but a blessing. She administered what we needed to get the bleeding stopped, plus electrolyte drinks to get the fluid volume back up. We were all three in the bathroom for some time while we got things under control.
Eventually, we got me moved to the bed and cleaned up and my dear friend cleaned up the bathroom for us. She found some pretty material in my sewing basket to wrap the babies in. I decided I needed to really see them. The littlest was harder to discern. This one had gone home a long time ago and was very little, but the placenta and sac were very clearly there. I was grateful to know absolutely for sure that we'd had twins and I had not grieved in vain. The bigger baby was a perfect, beautiful little tee-niney baby floating in a perfect little sac and attached to a perfect placenta. I can't understand why these little ones went home. All I can do is trust the Lord who made them and me and made me their mother. He does nothing whimsically or in vain, but even a word of His does not return void. I trust His purpose. How precious heaven became to me in that hour! One day I will meet my children again and never be separated from them for eternity!
The bleeding had almost stopped by about 10. The whole thing started about 4:50. The worst of it was the first hour and a half. After that, I continued to bleed and pass clots, but not so dangerously heavy. After 10, it had slowed down to just spotting. I had a very hard time sleeping that night. I had to go to the bathroom every hour or even less. I felt hot and weird all over. The hot I think was from all the HemHalt (it took about half a bottle over several hours - plus Wombstringe and other emergency meds to stop the bleeding). The weird thing was my blood felt strange traveling through my veins, like a rush, then pause, in my hands. I think this was probably because my blood volume was so low.
After all was cleaned up, I was very hungry (which is typical for me, I am starved after labor!) and ate a big meal. We then got my dear children upstairs to explain that it had finally completed and to open my poor, dear 7yo's birthday presents. It was such a comfort to me to see their tenderness with me about the babies and also to see their happy, carefree joy in his birthday even in this. Their trust in the heavenly Father's will is an amazement and glory.
I am so grateful for my dear, dear husband. When we saw the babies, I saw him choke up and then he went into the bathroom. I knew he went in there to cry and I loved him so much for it. I was so thankful to be in unity with him in grief and sorrow, just as we had been so long in joy and happiness. Although it tore me up to see him hurting, I was so thankful he loved our children like I do.
I am so grateful to have a friend who is not only a midwife, but a Christian, and one who shares our conviction to welcome whatever children the Lord may place in our family. What a comfort to have someone likeminded to share this time with us. How comfortable I felt with her there. May the Lord raise up an army of godly midwives like those in Egypt. What a blessing it was to stay home where all were in sympathy during this time our feelings were so raw.
We saved what our little ones left when they went home to heaven. We will bury them at a spot precious to us and remember them with two trees there. Even little ones who never drew breath should be treated with reverence as made in the image of God.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Within a couple of days, I was having very strange symptoms. My blood sugars went wild (I tested as I felt funny after eating a lot of carbs) and they usually didn't become a problem until much later. I started having heart palpitations. I didn't know if all of this was because I had been on a low carb diet, or if something was different with this pregnancy. One week after the positive test, I went in to my OB's office to check out these weird symptoms. There on the screen, we plainly saw two nice little gestational sacs. I was ecstatic! I knew before she even told me - that's why the sudden, strong symptoms - there were two little ones in there. Hal knew right away when I called him, too and we laughed together over our double blessing! That was week 5, day 1.
We were both euphoric at the idea of twins. It seemed daunting to face the difficulties I deal with in pregnancy with twice the weight on my cervix and twice the risk, but it was obviously well worth it. That weekend it looked like one of the children might have the flu so Hal banished me to Mama's house. I had a fantastic weekend searching the internet for all sorts of information about twins and twin pregnancy. Again, daunting, but delightful. I was so excited. When I got home, I kept sneaking a peak at the ultrasound picture I'd brought home showing two little sacs. I'd tucked it in the bill container and everytime I sat at the computer (which is way too often :-) I'd pull it out and stare in amazement. My grandfather was a twin - the youngests of a large family and I'd always wondered if we would have any. It was a thrill!
By the next week, I started feeling better, less heart palpitations, lower blood sugars. It didn't worry me much until week 6, day 1 when I started having some cramping. I drank water and went to bed and the next morning at the OB's the ultrasound showed only one sac - one of our precious twins had gone straight to the arms of the Savior. I was so stunned, confused at the doctors and it didn't really sink in until late that night when weeping overtook me. As soon as I knew about the twins, I had pictured the two of them lying like spoons between me and the bedrail and me reaching over and laying my hands across them, feeling them breathe. I had to accept that our little one to come would never know his twin until heaven.
At my 8th week appointment, we saw the little remaining child's heartbeat and we finalized plans for my cerclage surgery to be at 11.5 weeks. I never had any bleeding or cramping beyond that one afternoon, but I had read that was not unusual when a twin was lost early. I was very conflicted during this time. It was very, very strange to have suffered a miscarriage and still be pregnant. I felt like I couldn't enter into either the grief or the joy without conflict. I was so busy during this time, frantically cleaning house and tying up lose ends preparing for the bedrest to come and never even considering that we could lose the other child.
The night of the 10th week, the first day, I saw some spotting when I went to the bathroom. Oh no! I asked my husband and eldest son to pray and I prayed, but I really wasn't anticipating the worst news - I had a lot of spotting with two or three of our other children and had been given progesterone until it was well stopped. I thought I probably needed a little extra progesterone and that would be it.
The next morning I went to the OB's to see what was happening. He checked with the old ultrasound in the room and we certainly thought we saw a heartbeat. He checked my cervix and it was closed tightly. Just to be sure, we went to the newer machine. After much checking with both ultrasound wands - there was no heartbeat. I was absolutely stunned after seeing it just a few minutes ago. I was in shock. I talked to the doctor about what would happen. We agreed that a D&C was a bad idea for me with the incompetent cervix - I couldn't afford to weaken it further. I also well remember a friend who had a difficult, bloody miscarriage when we were younger, but refused a D&C - seven months later she gave birth to that baby's twin.
This was so hard! My sweet husband was in Nebraska on a customer call for our business - how would I make it through the day without him?? I went home and told our precious children who were so sad - I will never forget the sorrow and tears in their eyes for their young siblings. How I rejoice to have children who value life - who understand what is important. My dear eldest son took all of the children to my mothers' for the day so that I could cry for awhile. I can't cry with them here because they are nearly all guys and they think they have to fix it - tears them to pieces for me to be upset.
I told my dear husband when he called after his calls were all done - we are truly one and I can't keep things from him for a minute. He had to pull over because he couldn't see for the tears. Many people would not understand our sorrow - this was, in a worldly sense, not a great time to be pregnant: we were starting a new business and no money was coming out of it at all, our house is too small for us and we are at our wits' end how to manage with it, we have all sorts of commitments in the next few months. Those who don't understand, though, need to see children as we do - gifts from God, rewards, precious unique additions to our family. When you have had seven children, you know how different, how dear, how incredible each new soul is. When you have had children grow from infancy to adulthood, you know what you have lost in miscarriage. You know the years of interaction, conversation, joy, and happiness you are losing. You know that you are losing decades of joy and friendship, pleasure and pride in your children.
Therefore, we weep. We weep for what we wish we were able to share with those children. But, we don't mourn as those who have no hope. We do not weep for our children, because we know that they behold the face of the Father. We know they are in the realm of the Great King, where there is no sorrow, no pain, no sin. They are the gainers by it, even if we are, for the time being, the losers. We will know them one day.
I will share about the actual physical miscarriage in another post, because I know that there are some for whom it will be too much information! On the other hand, I was desperate to read stories with all the details so I could have an idea what to expect.