Sunday, May 3, 2009

How Are You?

I think "How are you?" was the most hated phrase I heard after I lost our twins, but only when it was asked by folks who didn't know yet. How are you supposed to answer that? "I feel wretched. You see, I just had a miscarriage," is a real conversational bomb to drop on someone just trying to be friendly. I didn't feel right answering, "Fine, and you?", though, because I was definitely not fine, not remotely, and I'm a literal kind of girl. It's amazing how stressful those things you never even thought about before can be when you are grieving, isn't it?

Now, someone who knew the whole story and asked, "How are you?" really helped because they showed they cared; that I wasn't all alone in my grief. God is so good to give us friends who ask after us and just listen. I'm thankful for those questions!

So, what do you do? I suggest ignoring it and saying, "How are you? It's good to see you." You'll know if it is time to share by their response. If they stop and talk and show more interest in your life, by all means share, but an ambiguous response will keep you from dragging your feelings out when you just want to get through the line and check out.


Deedee said...

I always found this one hard. I would say something like 'Not too bad' or 'I'm getting there' to most people. I felt I couldn't simply lie and say 'Fine' or 'Great' when I simply wasn't.

My husbands boss is one of those people who think Christians should always say 'Great!' or 'Wonderful!' because we are Christians. So he doesn't like me much because he met me during the year of my miscarriages and I only said 'Not too bad' or 'I've been better' when he asked. Now he never asks me - LOL!

Melissa Joy said...

I just found your blog here, and I wanted you to know that you have blessed me. I have lost five sweet babies to miscarriage, and (with the words of Job) though the Lord slay me, yet will I hope in Him!
Thank you for this blog, for the honesty and beauty and faithful truths you proclaim.
The Lord bless you and comfort you.
And may we look together with hope toward the future, to the resurrection of the dead & the life of the world to come.

Melanie said...

Thank you for the encouragement, Melissa!! May the Lord comfort your heart until we are all reunited!

Much love,

Anonymous said...

well said. i am a youth pastor's wife, literal like yourself, and i hate this question as Father and we are working through our loss...
thank you for your blog.
thank you for sharing His Truth to those needing comfort.

ChaleRose said...

Hey I'm Chale i'm 18 and I've just came upon yer blog.
I seen and heard people say about seeing their babys in heaven...I want to know that me&tyler will see our baby girl/boy one day...I recently suffered from a miscarriage in june..worst part it was a day after his bday...I'm still going through the recovering process, but now i'm thinking about TTC. Anyhoo, I thank yu tons for sharing what yu have with me&everyone else. I've blogged about it also. But it seems like i cant enough out there

Lemme know yer thoughts...if its not too much to ask.

Melanie said...

Hi Chale,

I hope you clicked to be notified about responses. Please forgive me for taking so long to answer. We have been on a 8000 mile cross-country trip and didn't have the internet access we expected.

The most important thing you can do to ensure you see your baby in heaven is to repent of your sins(that means to be sorry for the bad things you've done and to hate them and forsake them) and to trust in Jesus to forgive you.

This website explains what I mean in a very cool way

The Bible says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

See, every single one of us does things that are wrong -- we're sinners -- we break the law of God "For none is righteous, no not one," the Bible tells us in Romans 3.

God loves us so much, though, that although his perfect justice requires that sin be punished, He sent His son Jesus Christ to come to earth, live a whole life without ever sinning, then to die in our place. He really loves us that much, to be tortured and die so that we could live forever in heaven.

I hope and pray that if you haven't given yourself to Christ by repenting and believing in Him, you will. That's the only way to be sure you'll join your little one in heaven.

Julie said...

I love this post (I know it's old) but I am having my 2nd miscarriage in 4.5 mos and I hate saying "OK" when I am so far from it. Now I am a greeter at church and sometimes people will ask and I don't want to be honest with people who are just trying to be polite. Sometimes I will say "tired" or "cold" or something non-emotional, too.

Melanie said...

Julie, it is so hard, isn't it? I am so sorry you're having another miscarriage. May the Lord wrap His arms tight around you and show you His love!

Much love,

Addy said...

Hi, I just found your website... when I typed in miscarriage blog into google I really wasn't sure what would come up. I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. Its been terrible. The How are you? question drives me insane. I don't understand why people ask it when they know what has happened. I just feel like screaming at them that I'm terrible, and what else would you expect because it feels like life is never going to be okay again! I know I will get to hold my baby in heaven but that seems so far away right now, and the paranoia of never getting to hold any babies until then is strong. My Doctor said that there is no reason I should have another one...that said there was also no reason I had the first miscarriage either.

Melanie said...

Addy, it is hard, isn't it?

I am so sorry you are going through this, too. It does get easier to answer those questions, but it takes awhile.

May the Lord wrap you tight in His arms,