Miscarriage Means a Family Has Lost a Child

This article was a blessing. It's the story of a family that miscarried a baby and their desire for everyone to know their Nathan was a baby. There's a picture of Nathan (in case you find that upsetting), but he is lovely and pitiful, not what you might imagine. We need more articles like this to help people understand.

Bittersweet Memories

I think we all wonder if we'll ever feel happy and carefree again when we're going through a miscarriage. I just moderated and answered a few comments on this blog and for some reason went back and read the first few posts when I shared our own story. Yes, I got tears in my eyes. Yes, it makes heaven so precious. But, the grief is no longer overwhelming or even really painful. I remember, I long to see our little ones, but I'm okay now. And you'll be okay, too. Really. {{{hugs}}}

Spring Will Come

It is almost five years now since I lost our twins. It's really hard to believe it's been that long. I'm thankful for the healing that God has brought. That agonizing pain, the what-ifs, the emptiness have all faded into the glory of the hope of heaven. As I look out on hte beauty of spring here in North Carolina - the bright azaleas and cool green leaves and grass, the bright, cheerful sunlight, I feel peace about our little ones. I know one day we'll meet again in heaven and will have all of eternity to get to know one another and to love each other. I can trust the Lord's plan now. I am okay. I just wanted you to know that spring will come again, my dear friends.

A Study on Miscarriage

A few days ago, Efrat Eichenbaum, a doctoral student at Drexel University, contacted me about a study she is conducting on miscarriage and infant loss. I contacted her advisor and made sure this was legitimate and went through the survey myself. I know many of you would like to see others understand better how devastating miscarriage is, so if you would like to participate, here is the information:

If you have experienced a pregnancy loss (stillbirth or miscarriage) in the past 6 months to 4 years, we want to hear YOUR story. Drexel University is conducting a research study to learn how women healed and moved on from the grief of their loss.

You are eligible if you:

1. Are between the ages of 19 and 50.

2. Live in the United States

3. Identify as either White/Caucasian or Black/African American

4. Experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth any time between October, 2007, and April, 2011.

The study is confidential and secure- your identity and medical information will be not be shared with anyone outside the research team at Drexel University. Your answers will not be linked to your name or identity. The study takes approximately 30-40 minutes to complete, and can be done online or over the phone (you can choose how you want to participate).

As a "thank you," we are offering a choice of a small "care package" (of lotion, chocolate, and tea), or a Dunkin Donuts gift card (both are worth approximately $5) to women who participate. Please email us at drexel.pregnancy.loss@gmail.com if you are interested in volunteering for the study. Thank you- we are looking forward to hearing from you soon.

No More Tears

When our twins first went to heaven, at first it was such a shock, I struggled with crying, then the pain became raw and fierce. As the months passed, the pain took on a dull throb, an ache, that only occasionally, like when I saw newborn twins or their due date approached, became a storm of grief.

Now, 4 years have passed. We have another child, who contrary to what thoughtless folks might say, does not make up for their loss, but is a delight in and of herself. The loss of our sweet little ones is not forgotten and hasn't gone away, but it has transformed. Very seldom indeed do the waves of grief wash over me, instead it's more like a gentle swell of memory, of longing that makes me crave heaven.

The other day, our six year old daughter, who was only two when I lost the twins, asked, "Mommy, how old would the twins have been now?" I was stunned. I haven't mentioned them in front of her in I don't know how long, but she had a loss, too, and she remembered. I told her they would be three now and she said, "I wish they were here at the Lake with us." I do, too, honey, I do, too, but I know that we will not be apart forever. One day our whole family, all who believe in Jesus Christ, will be reunited - and there will be no more tears then.

Heaven is our home. Sometimes we get homesick.

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Dear Ones,

I had a very sad duty this week. A sweet grieving mama wrote a dear comment on this blog and though it made me sick to my stomach to think of hurting her, I had to delete the comment.

Why?

She had shared, in innocence I'm sure, a link to a site that taught things in direct opposition to the Word of God. Although I desperately wanted to comfort this mother instead of hurting her, as the owner and moderator of this site, I would be responsible if another grieving mother followed that link and instead of the truth, was deceived into believing a lie that would keep her from the true comfort of a relationship with God. The software won't let me edit comments or strip links, just accept or reject comments in their entirety.

So, if you comment, and don't see your comment appear - it may be that the software didn't notify me (I found five unmoderated comments today, some dating back to November that had not appeared when I moderated a couple of days ago!), but if you included a link, you may want to strip it off and repost, or email me to see if I had a concern.

God is faithful. He saves sinners. He loves His people. Even in the midst of great pain, He is there. He understands our griefs and our fears and doesn't leave us alone in them. How can we not love God when He sent His Son to die in our place; not because we deserved it, but because He loves us and desires us to be forgiven and right with Him. Don't be deceived by those who want to soothe away your conviction, trying to tell you that repentance is not necessary, that there are many ways to God. It is not true!

6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the
Father except through Me. John
14:6

Oh dear mamas, I know it is comforting to think, as some say, that our babies might be reincarnated and returned to us, but that is not the truth! The Bible tells us instead that each man lives on earth to die but one time, not reincarnated to die again and again.

27 And as it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the
judgment, 28 so Christ was offered once to bear the sins of
many. Hebrews
9:27-28

My hope for our little ones is much, much better. Instead of being born into this fallen, sinful world, as King David said regarding the death of his infant son:

"And he said, "While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said,
'Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?'
But now he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to
him, but he shall not return to me." 2
Samuel 12:22-23

My twins are in heaven, where the Lord God Himself comforts them and loves them. In His realm, there will be no more tears and no more death! Read about heaven, my friends, and understand that the truth is so much better than the lie.

So why do folks even teach things like reincarnation? Because they do not want to repent of their sins. They would rather think they can live life after life, gradually getting better until they get good enough for God. The Word says, though,

"There is none righteous, no, not one..." Romans
3:10

There is hope, though, for those willing to repent and believe:

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in
us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and
to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I
John 1

If you want to see your little ones again, repent of your sins and believe in Jesus - that His death paid the price for your sins. That's the real hope.

How Are You?

I think "How are you?" was the most hated phrase I heard after I lost our twins, but only when it was asked by folks who didn't know yet. How are you supposed to answer that? "I feel wretched. You see, I just had a miscarriage," is a real conversational bomb to drop on someone just trying to be friendly. I didn't feel right answering, "Fine, and you?", though, because I was definitely not fine, not remotely, and I'm a literal kind of girl. It's amazing how stressful those things you never even thought about before can be when you are grieving, isn't it?

Now, someone who knew the whole story and asked, "How are you?" really helped because they showed they cared; that I wasn't all alone in my grief. God is so good to give us friends who ask after us and just listen. I'm thankful for those questions!

So, what do you do? I suggest ignoring it and saying, "How are you? It's good to see you." You'll know if it is time to share by their response. If they stop and talk and show more interest in your life, by all means share, but an ambiguous response will keep you from dragging your feelings out when you just want to get through the line and check out.

Understanding the Heart of the Father

I recently read on the Cole's Foundation website as Cole's father described how seeing his child suffer helped him for the first time to really understand what God the Father went through for our salvation. He had the power, the ability to instantly stop the suffering of His Son, Jesus Christ, yet he didn't. He watched His Son suffer for people who didn't even deserve it - us, sinners, not even innocent. I think when you lose a child, whether you have to watch them suffer or not, you understand to a degree how much God the Father loves us. It is humbling and amazing to realize that we love Him because He first loved us.

May your grief lead you to a closer relationship to the One who holds the keys to heaven. May you one day be reunited forever in heaven with your beloved child!

Hope Becomes Reality

I just wanted to let you know that the little babe I told you we were expecting in "New Hope and Fear" has arrived. Katherine is a gorgeous little dear who is comforting her mama's grieving heart. Her heart, however, has an electrical problem and we have been in and out of the PICU for the last month. It is a random thing to happen - has no connection with our family history or my age - for which I am thankful. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for her. Her carepage is the best place to see what is going on.

Hope in the Holidays

This time of year can be so difficult when you are grieving. The holidays are times when we gather with family and when a family member is missing, the pain sometimes seems unbearable. Last Christmas was so hard without our twins and I know that many of you are facing the holidays for the first time with a hole in your heart.

How can we find hope and stay away from the pits of bitterness and anger and despair that seem all around us? I think we need to remember the whole Christmas story. When we think of Christmas, we think of babies, particularly the baby Jesus. This can be really hard when we are suffering the loss of a precious little one. What we forget is the whole story...

The Father sent His Son to earth knowing He would die a tragic death, executed though innocent, tortured though undeserving, suffering for sins He would never commit. Our dear Father knows grief and loss. He understands our pain and He loves us. He loves us so much He sent His Son to suffer in our place, to die for our sins, that we may live. When you remember the whole story, it takes the emphasis off the little newborn to the grandest story of all - The Creator who died for his Creations.

Please, throw yourself into His arms this season. He won't make light of your grief, but He will wipe away your tears. This season, let's keep our eyes on the end of the story, and the end of the story isn't the Cross... It's the eternal life we will share with our little ones where there is no more death, no more pain, no more loss. Look at the Christmas tree and think about how it's evergreen nature reminds us of eternal life and the lights of the Light of the World. Look at the wreaths and remember the circle is a sign of life everlasting and the red bows can remind us of the blood shed to give us that life. Look at the holly and think of the thorns that hurt Him and the blood He shed for us. There is so much in Christmas to remind us of the incredible love of our Savior.

May He wrap you all tight in His arms and wipe away your tears during this holy-day season.

The Biological Clock Sometimes Lies

This week on one of my favorite forums, a poor sweet mama who has been desperately trying to conceive wrote in frantic because she was turning 30 and her biological clock was telling her she was running out of time. Folks, it wasn't her biological clock, it was our crazy, over-medicalized society that evidently thinks you should only conceive your alloted 1.8 children between the ages of 26 (don't want you to marry too early, the culture says!) and 34 years old.

Thankfully, life isn't restricted like that. God made us fertile from our teens to our forties and I don't see any Biblical justification (and not a heck of a lot of scientific justification) for limiting your child-bearing in any way from marriage to menopause.

For the record, after the very difficult miscarriage of our twins last year, I'm 44 and pregnant and I feel great. The babe is growing nicely and kicking constantly and I'm looking forward to another great birth.

If you are hoping and praying for another child in the wake of a devastating loss, please don't add to your stress by buying into all that age/biological clock business. Yes, my eggs are older, but my God is still sovereign. I serve the same God Sarah (Abraham's wife who bore Isaac in her old age) did. Why should we fear?

Resisting Bitterness

One of the reasons I started this site is that the vast, vast majority of what I found when I googled miscarriage was absolutely saturated with bitterness and anger. I was reminded of that recently on one of my favorite forums when a grieving mother just poured out her hostility toward a pregnant relative. I do understand. It is so hard to watch those who have what you want so desperately and don't seem to even appreciate it. However, I am convinced that bitterness and jealousy just hurts us even more than we have already been hurt.

First of all, jealousy is a sin. I know. We have all been taught that birth control is so important, that you can get pregnant so easily, and now... we have empty arms. It seems like it's a right to have a family, to hold a child and it makes us angry to lose one instead. And then to look at all those for whom it seems so easy... it's hard not to be jealous. However, something being natural doesn't make it right. We are naturally sinners and jealousy is natural, yet the Ten Commandments say:

"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Including your neighbor's easy pregnancy or baby. Likewise, bitterness is not appropriate for a Christian:

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice."

And so, if we examine our hearts and repent of all jealousy and bitterness, why is it still so hard to see little ones the ages of the ones we miss? Because we remember and we wish and our loss is renewed. I am crying writing this because I so wish our twins were here. Is that wrong? No. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus even though he knew Lazarus would be raised from the dead - right away. Death is our enemy and a result of the curse of sin. It is appropriate to grieve. It is not appropriate to grieve as those who have no hope.

Only those who do not understand the Sovereignty and Mercy of God have an excuse for bitterness and jealousy. Our Father knows our grief and loves us. Our children will be raised from the dead. We will see them again. Let's not give way to the sinful emotions of jealousy and bitterness. Our sin causes a separation between us and God and really, we need to be close to Him in this time of grief far more than we need to give way.

Incompetent Cervix

Many women lose one or two or even more babies to second trimester miscarriage before their doctor will diagnose them with incompetent cervix. This is so sad!! I have an incompetent cervix and I want you to know something about them so you don't have to have those multiple losses if you suffer from it.

An incompetent cervix is a cervix that can not hold up the weight of a baby. It most commonly shows up in the middle of the second trimester, but that is not always true and it is important that you understand that. With my first child, my water broke and cervix began opening at 35 weeks. With my second, it was about 24-26 weeks, and with my third, 13 weeks! All over the place. So how can you know if incompetent cervix is your problem??

If you are showing cervical funneling (shown on transvaginal ultrasound), cervical shortening, cervical ripening (softening), dilating or effacement before the end weeks of pregnancy without having significant preterm labor, you may have an incompetent cervix. It is hard to tell whether it is your cervix or preterm labor because the cervical opening can provoke preterm labor. There is no real test for this.

Some doctors advocate a wait and see approach. Unfortunately, cervical change can happen very, very quickly and I know moms who appeared to be fine at their appointment and then lost their babies two or three days later. No thanks.

I think it is much better, if IC (incompetent cervix) is a possibility, to do a cerclage anyway. It should be done before 17 weeks and the earlier, the less likely you will have complications or infections. It is a simple, no problem stitching of the cervix and I would a whole lot rather have an unnecessary one than lose a child.

Sometimes, though, the opening is found too late to do a cerclage - it wouldn't be safe for the baby. At that point, there is still much that can be done: a Smith-Hodge pessary, anti-tocolytics (anti-labor drugs like nefedipine or terbutaline), and complete bedrest in the Trendelenburg position (lifting the foot of the bed a few inches). I was too late to get a cerclage with our second child, but with the help of these things was able to get him to 37 weeks anyway. It's much, much easier with a cerclage, but don't despair!

I highly recommend the IC Forum at Healing Our Broken Hearts for support and encouragement if you think you might have this problem!

Hope in Miscarriage

Dear Friends,

It's been awhile since I've posted: I couldn't really think about it during the first few months of this pregnancy I was so nervous about losing this baby. I think that is one very hard thing about miscarriage - you never just trust that it'll be alright during other pregnancies. I have found it much harder to bond with this baby and to anticipate the baby's birth because I have worried so much about losing it. I hate that and I'm working on it seriously!

Much love,
Melanie

New Hope and Fear

Well, after quite a few months of wondering if I had reached that certain age, I've found out that we are expecting again. Pregnancy has always been a time of concern, even fear, due to my many pregnancy problems (incompetent cervix, gestational diabetes, preterm labor, low progesterone, etc), but this is a new feeling. Losing the twins last year has made me afraid to look forward to the future.

We have always told our children right away that we were expecting because we have to start getting ready right away! Now when we talk to the children about the baby, I wonder if we will soon be talking about grief. I wonder how much they will be hurt. I don't like this. I don't like the lost innocence of no longer assuming that one day we'll have a baby from this pregnancy.

I refuse to succumb to the temptation to wait and see before we tell anyone. I know that if we do lose another baby, it will be very hard to talk to everyone about it, but I also know that our baby deserves to be acknowledged, deserves to be known. Perhaps our love for our children, whether here with us or in heaven will encourage others to value life and to welcome children.

Perfect love casts out fear. Dear Heavenly Father, give me rest and peace in your perfect will and perfect love. Please take care of this little one and allow us to raise it if it is your will. In Christ's Name, Amen.

Long Term Bleeding After Miscarriage

I really thought I had posted this when I figured it out last year, but when I went looking for it, I couldn't find it. As those of you who've been reading this blog know, I had bleeding for a *long* time after my miscarriage of twins last year. Weeks and weeks. I would bleed for awhile, then it would taper off and stop for several days, then start again. It was extremely frustrating!

Finally a reader of this blog wrote me and suggested that I look at the pattern of breaks and when it restarted and sure enough, each restart was exactly 26 days apart - I was not continuing to bleed with a few breaks, but my cycle had reestablished itself, but the time of bleeding in each cycle was extremely long and the cycles short. I wish I had realized this sooner because I wonder if there is something I could have done to regulate my hormones (herbs or something) and shorten that bleeding that was keeping me worn out. By August, my cycles were more normal.

I hope this will encourage someone else to check the pattern when she seems to be bleeding for weeks and weeks. I pray for those who are reading this blog that our Lord would hold you in His arms and heal you.

New Research on Miscarriage

I always hesitate to share research on miscarriage causes because I know we survivors beat ourselves up so badly if we can possibly think we did something wrong. However, I also know that we would go to great lengths to do anything that might keep this from happening again, so here goes:

In a new study published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Kaiser Permanente researchers report that women drinking less than 200mg of caffeine daily were 40% more likely to miscarry than those drinking none. Those drinking more than 200mg were twice as likely to miscarry as those drinking none. The study included over 1000 women and they allowed for differences in morning sickness.

On the other hand, researcher David Savitz, in Epidemiology, reports on a study of over 2000 women in which he found no link between miscarriage and caffeine. He did say the women in his study were light caffeine drinkers.

So where do we go from there?? Okay, 200 mg is about two cups of coffee or five cans of soda. The first study showed that caffeine from any source was a problem - soft drinks, coffee, even hot chocolate. It really upset me that one of the OBs at Kaiser Permanente who was not involved in the study advises women in their first trimester to limit consumption to that 200mg level. Is 40% increased risk acceptable to keep from giving up coffee - I don't think so!

I think it would be far wiser to say, "We have conflicting studies, but while this is resolved, avoid all caffeine. It won't hurt you and it may reduce your risk of miscarriage drastically." And that's my advice. Bye-bye caffeine!

Christmas Joy and Tears

We were so blessed this Christmas. We are having a very difficult time financially and my dear brother stepped into the gap and provided many wonderful gifts for our children. It was a very confusing time for me. I was so happy to see my children's dreams fulfilled, yet I couldn't help remembering that we could have been holding our twins.

The hardest time for me was late in the day when we were helping the children put together their toys. My little princess, our only girl, received twin baby dolls and a whole set of equipment for them - a twin stroller, twin high chair, twin cradle and more. The set was precious, but oh, was it hard to put together. When Hal and I were sitting there screwing it all together, it suddenly came over me how dear it would be to be putting these twin things together if we had the twins with us. I just lost it. Not upset at the toys, but instead sorrowful that we didn't have that. I had so been looking forward to our little girl playing with her twin dolls while I took care of our twins.

I really understood for the first time how difficult holidays can be. It reminded me of the first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my father died when I was fourteen. This Christmas, through my tears, the Father reminded me that He knew what it was like to lose a child to death and He would bring me through it, yet we were not to grieve as those who have no hope. I will not let bitterness have a place in my life. I will chose to rejoice in the reunion to come. May we have Merry Christmases that do not depend on the absence of sorrow, but instead are all the sweeter as we remember that this is why the Savior was born - to take the sting from death - Oh grave where is thy victory?????? He is risen, and so will we be one day!

The Oil of Joy for Mourning

To all who are struggling with missing a child this Christmas season, I commend to you our Lord Jesus Christ who is:

"To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

May He wrap you in His arms and help you to see the eternal future where our children await us. May He wash you clean of your sins and prepare you to join them in heaven: repent of your sins and trust His sacrificial death on the cross as payment for your sins. Then you will be right before God and look forward with joy to heaven.

I love you and pray His comfort for you!

Much love,
Melanie

A Sore Toe

Have you ever felt like your emotions were a sore toe? Do you know how when you stub your toe really badly that your sore toe seems to find every corner and chair leg and lego in the house in the next week?

It has been a tough week, mainly through the innocent, though stupid, comments of others. Several times this week on meeting someone new, they asked about our family. When they heard we have six boys and one girl and that she was three, they "naturally" assumed, "You finally got that girl," like it was a relief that we didn't have to have any more children.

I have to admit that I couldn't stand it and said, "Actually we lost twins in the spring." Thankfully, folks said the right thing at that point, but it's still hard to have empty arms.