No More Tears

When our twins first went to heaven, at first it was such a shock, I struggled with crying, then the pain became raw and fierce. As the months passed, the pain took on a dull throb, an ache, that only occasionally, like when I saw newborn twins or their due date approached, became a storm of grief.

Now, 4 years have passed. We have another child, who contrary to what thoughtless folks might say, does not make up for their loss, but is a delight in and of herself. The loss of our sweet little ones is not forgotten and hasn't gone away, but it has transformed. Very seldom indeed do the waves of grief wash over me, instead it's more like a gentle swell of memory, of longing that makes me crave heaven.

The other day, our six year old daughter, who was only two when I lost the twins, asked, "Mommy, how old would the twins have been now?" I was stunned. I haven't mentioned them in front of her in I don't know how long, but she had a loss, too, and she remembered. I told her they would be three now and she said, "I wish they were here at the Lake with us." I do, too, honey, I do, too, but I know that we will not be apart forever. One day our whole family, all who believe in Jesus Christ, will be reunited - and there will be no more tears then.

Heaven is our home. Sometimes we get homesick.

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

Christmas Joy and Tears

We were so blessed this Christmas. We are having a very difficult time financially and my dear brother stepped into the gap and provided many wonderful gifts for our children. It was a very confusing time for me. I was so happy to see my children's dreams fulfilled, yet I couldn't help remembering that we could have been holding our twins.

The hardest time for me was late in the day when we were helping the children put together their toys. My little princess, our only girl, received twin baby dolls and a whole set of equipment for them - a twin stroller, twin high chair, twin cradle and more. The set was precious, but oh, was it hard to put together. When Hal and I were sitting there screwing it all together, it suddenly came over me how dear it would be to be putting these twin things together if we had the twins with us. I just lost it. Not upset at the toys, but instead sorrowful that we didn't have that. I had so been looking forward to our little girl playing with her twin dolls while I took care of our twins.

I really understood for the first time how difficult holidays can be. It reminded me of the first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my father died when I was fourteen. This Christmas, through my tears, the Father reminded me that He knew what it was like to lose a child to death and He would bring me through it, yet we were not to grieve as those who have no hope. I will not let bitterness have a place in my life. I will chose to rejoice in the reunion to come. May we have Merry Christmases that do not depend on the absence of sorrow, but instead are all the sweeter as we remember that this is why the Savior was born - to take the sting from death - Oh grave where is thy victory?????? He is risen, and so will we be one day!

Jesse Lives With Jesus

My dear friend, Valerie Creech has been writing about her miscarriage story on her blog Together at Home. I encourage you to read it. Just for a taste, here's how she titled her story:

The title Jesse Lives with Jesus comes from the mouth of my 3 year old. Marcy, Miriam and I were riding in the van recently. We had just pulled out on to the road from our house when Miriam began to speak of Jesse.

She asked me, "Mommy, does Jesse live with Jesus?"

"Yes, Miriam. Jesse lives with Jesus."

"Is Jesus taking care of Jesse?"

"Yes, baby. Jesus is taking care of Jesse."

Thank you Miriam for the pleasant and comforting reminder... "Jesse lives with Jesus." One day, I will see my precious babies. 2 Samuel
12:23

Read the rest of it here: Part 2 Part 3

Real Encouragement

Tonight in our family devotions, my husband read us the July 19th Morning entry (yes, I know it's the 18th, but we are reading in conjunction with our son who is in Asia this summer and the evening of the 18th is the morning of the 19th for him) of Spurgeon's Morning and Evening. It ministered to me so much that I wanted to share it with you:

“The Lord our God hath shewed us his glory.”
Deuteronomy 5:24
God’s great design in all his works is the manifestation of his own glory. Any aim less than this were unworthy of himself. But how shall the glory of God be manifested to such fallen creatures as we are? Man’s eye is not single, he has ever a side glance towards his own honour, has too high an estimate of his own powers, and so is not qualified to behold the glory of the Lord. It is clear, then, that self must stand out of the way, that there may be room for God to be exalted; and this is the reason why he bringeth his people ofttimes into straits and difficulties, that, being made conscious of their own folly and weakness, they may be fitted to behold the majesty of God when he comes forth to work their deliverance. He whose life is one even and smooth path, will see but little of the glory of the Lord, for he has few occasions of self-emptying, and hence, but little fitness for being filled with the revelation of God. They who navigate little streams and shallow creeks, know but little of the God of tempests; but they who “do business in great waters,” these see his “wonders in the deep.” Among the huge Atlantic-waves of bereavement, poverty, temptation, and reproach, we learn the power of Jehovah, because we feel the littleness of man. Thank God, then, if you have been led by a rough road: it is this which has given you your experience of God’s greatness and lovingkindness. Your troubles have enriched you with a wealth of knowledge to be gained by no other means: your trials have been the cleft of the rock in which Jehovah has set you, as he did his servant Moses, that you might behold his glory as it passed by. Praise God that you have not been left to the darkness and ignorance which continued prosperity might have involved, but that in the great fight of affliction, you have been capacitated for the outshinings of his glory in his wonderful dealings with you.

Charles Spurgeon

Morning and Evening

Morning, July 19th

Hope!

I called this blog "Hope in Miscarriage" because nearly everything I saw on the net seemed so sad and hopeless, so many stories seemed so angry and bitter. I needed a light! A path to get through this! Hope!

As the Lord walked with me through this valley of death, I began to see what the Psalmist was talking about:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

And I realized what I was seeing in so many places on the net was the despair of grief for those who truly had no hope. I don't know how they live through it. I don't think I'm strong enough to endure these trials without the hope of heaven and the fellowship of Christ.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

And to take Him at His Word;

Just to rest upon His promise,

And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Refrain

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,J

ust to trust His cleansing blood;

And in simple faith to plunge me

’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Refrain

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just from sin and self to cease;

Just from Jesus simply taking

Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,

Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;

And I know that Thou art with me,

Wilt be with me to the end.

Refrain

Dear friends, don't try to walk this path alone. It is beyond our ability. Our Father in heaven laid His own Son, innocent and holy, in a grave in the prime of life. He knows our pain. We can not be good enough to deserve His favor or forgiveness. We break His Law all the time. Have you taken a look at the Ten Commandments recently? There is not one of us that has not envied someone or dishonored our parents or taken the Lord's name in vain. We are all guilty - condemned, but His love has found a way - the death of His own Son. Surely those of us reading this blog understand to some small degree the sacrifice of love God gave when He directed His wrath to His Son Jesus Christ instead of us. He calls us to repent and believe. There is nothing better you can do in this trial - in all of life - then to put your faith in Him who will never forsake you!

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and
o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

Let me tell you this is true! I have proved Him again and again. He will never leave you or forsake you!

The Danger of Bitterness

I think the loss of a child hurts so much that it is way too easy to let our emotions lash out like a wounded animal. I know it is so easy to be jealous and resentful when others become pregnant or have such problem-free pregnancies. This is so understandable in the weakness of our humanity, but it is a wrong direction we need to beware of - it will only make our situation worse. Instead, we should listen to the Word:

30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

It shakes me up to realize that this behavior grieves the Holy Spirit. I know that He is interceding for me "with groanings too deep for words." I am thankful for that, I do not need to be grieving Him.

There's more I want to write about this - I feel like this is a huge trap set for us - but there's no time today.

Burying Miscarried Babies

I promised myself that this blog would share all the things I couldn't find information about online, even though sometimes it's really hard. This is one of those times. I really want to be open about what I can so that others will have a path to follow.

The night I passed the babies, we wrapped the placentas and all in some pretty fabric out of my sewing basket, then placed them in ziplock bags in the freezer. We knew there was no way I would be able to travel for some time after my hemorrhage, so this is the only thing we could think of to do. In retrospect, I would place the fabric-wrapped bundles in a small bag, wrap them in more fabric, and put in another bag.

For the burial, we placed them just like that in a lovely soft blanket inside a waterproof safe about 12" by 12" by 5" that I bought at Wal-mart. I did that so that if the land were ever sold and we needed to move the site, the box could easily be moved.

In case it were found many years later by our descendents, or by anyone else, Hal wrote a letter to place inside it, telling the circumstances and who we were and pointing the reader to the Lord.

Our relatives questioned what were the legalities of the situation. Here's the deal: in most states, a miscarriage before 20 weeks does not receieve a birth certificate or a stillborn or death certificate, so is not considered human remains (I know - what do they think they are??). The good thing is, this means you do not have to go through a funeral home or bury your miscarried child in a cemetary, but are free to bury them on your own property.

After 20 weeks (or a week or so either way, depending on the state) then health regulations come into play. I understand though, that some funeral homes may donate their services in such cases.

Regardless of the circumstances, I encourage you to memorialize your little ones in some way. If you had a natural miscarriage at home, then find a special place to bury them. If you had a D&C and the hospital wouldn't release the remains, or you didn't even know to ask, do remember that our Father in heaven knows exactly where every atom belonging to every person is and will bring forth His people with new bodies that are not subject to corruption! If you don't have anything to bury, you can still plant a tree, or a flowering shrub or a little garden to remember them by. Create something beautiful as a reflection of your faith in the resurrection to come when we will meet our loved ones in the air!

A Tearful Farewell, but Not Forever!

Everything worked out and today we buried our little one's remains in one of our favorite spots on earth. When Hal and I were first married, we expected him to be sent to an active duty station as soon as he was commissioned. We had no idea a budget crunch would derail our plans, but I'm so glad they did. He was notified that he would not be called up and sent to training until over three months after his commissioning. Where would we go? What would we do? Thankfully, Hal's mother offered to let us come stay at their family's lake house. Now that sounds pretty grand, and it is, in my opinion, but probably not in most folks! It's an ancient single wide trailer with a big room that is all windows added on the front facing the lake. Very basic accomodations, until you look up. The view is incredible - As you look out the window, you see copses of sweet gum trees down on the edge of the water, the dear hammock just feet from the lapping waters on the left, a comfortable swing aged to that lovely old wood color in the center, and a dock with a single simple bench on the right. You can hear wild turkeys, see a hummingbird zip by, watch the egrets and herons daintily fishing, and see the comical little ducks following their parents in search of bugs and fish. The glassy water just calms your soul, as you look up at the beautiful green forests and islands and just wonderful peace and God's creation.

Now don't be mistaken, from the spot where we laid the twins, to the left you see our decrepit old trailer, nearly hauled away as scrap many times in the past few years. To the right you see the old brush pile, with a little trash mixed in for good measure - like a twenty year old rubber raft rotting under the branches. But look straight ahead and see soul-refreshing peace. I think this time in our lives is a lot like that: looking straight ahead, we see our dear understanding Lord and the hope of heaven, but when our minds are distracted from Him, we see all the ugliness of living in this fallen world - the days and years without our dear ones, the pain, the hurt from others, the whole crashing burden. Let us seek Him who says, "Come unto me and I will give you rest." Let us keep our eyes on Him!

Today, with a lot of tears and trust, we laid what our twins left behind in the earth, reminding each other again and again that one day we will all meet again. Hal gathered the children around and read the story of David's hope when his baby son died and then the hope of all believers in the return of the Lord and the resurrection of our bodies. This was so hard for my dear husband - he had a difficult time talking through his tears. We prayed and rested in the assurance of the reunion to come. Thank you, heavenly Father, that this life is not the end, but only the beginning and that the sorrows of this present age are not worthy to be compared to the joy to come.

We placed a stone over the spot that Hal's mother gave us. Many, many years ago, at the old church that both our families historically were involved with in the mountains, the graves were marked with uncut stones - perhaps there was no stone mason in the community. A few years ago, the church decided to replace these with marked stones so those graves could never be lost to memory. Hal's mom brought several of the old unmarked stones back home and she gave us one to mark the spot. I was so grateful!

Later in the day, I went into town and bought some lovely flowers to plant there until we could get back to plant the trees. I didn't want to plant the trees in such a dry summer for fear they wouldn't make it. We'll come back later in the year to do that. I'll try to post a picture when we get home so you can see what we did. I'll also plan to post more practical details for those of you dear ladies who are facing this, too.

Love you all!
Melanie

Surviving a Squall

Some time when you are grieving, you are bound to have a squall - yes, I mean a time of weeping, but more than that, I mean a storm that passes over and threatens to upset your boat. I had a storm pass over (through) me today and I'm still reeling a bit. At the last minute it worked out that we needed to travel out of state both tomorrow and Sunday, so we thought, why don't we take the time in between and take some time to relax with our children and since we'd be in the right area, to finally bury our little ones' remains.

This is the only land in either of our families likely to stay in the family and it's a precious place to us - where we spent the first three months of our marriage. However, when my husband called the close relative who had agreed to let us bury the little ones there, this person didn't remember talking about it. Now, I don't know how this could be since I asked them in person less than 48 hours after we found out that the second baby had gone to be with the Lord. Well, I could tell something was wrong from what Hal was saying and pretty soon, he passed me a note that said, "They don't remember the conversation." I just lost it. I went upstairs and wept and wept. I felt like there was no safe place on this earth to leave my dear ones' bodies. I just couldn't handle it. I finally just had to leave the house and go on to a meeting I had tonight - to suck it up and not think about it because I felt like I was losing it.

That's a storm. It can be anything really that can bring it on - something that makes you remember what could have been - someone's unkind words - a song - a thought - anything that catches you emotionally raw. It's very overwhelming when the winds are blowing hard and the waves are swamping your ship. When you wonder if you'll come back up. When you just want to die and be done with it. BUT, our anchors hold. Cling to the Lord! Shelter yourself in His wings. Fall into His arms. He knows the loss of a beloved child. He has wept. "He is the master of the waves... billows His will obey." If you are trusting Him, you will not be overcome!

This is the point where I just cried out, "Oh help me, dear Father. Oh help me!" And He did. I remembered that we grieve as those who have hope. Our children will not be left in the ground - they are in His arms! The resurrection morning will find them no matter where they are and I will meet them in the air if we haven't met in heaven before!

I do need you to pray for me, dear sisters and brothers. Hal and our family worked it out and we are going down there to bury our little ones. I don't know how I'm going to hold up emotionally in dealing with the burial and in visiting, especially after this squall. Please hold me up in prayer. I love you all!

A Universal Need

I had the opportunity this weekend to talk to several dear friends who have experienced miscarriage - one has suffered six miscarriages, one lost a child at 16 weeks, all sorts of experiences. There were several common threads among these Christian ladies: All were tremendously comforted by the hope of heaven - they knew they would see their babies again. All were still moved by thinking about it, even if it happened years ago, tears filled their eyes as they talked about it. All were hurt by those who felt they should just get over it.

I think that grieving alone is extraordinarily hard. Why do we have visitation the night before the funeral when a loved one died? Of course, it is ostensibly an opportunity for everyone else to say goodbye, but I really think the family benefits by knowing others are grieving with them and sorrowing and praying for them. I remember when my mother in law was widowed. She said that she wished it was still the fashion to go into mourning clothes, to wear black for a year. She craved some public statement that she was grieving; some immediate identification that she was hurting. I understand now.

Have you ever just told someone you thought would be interested that you had a miscarriage and had them look at you like "Oh no! Why are you telling me this?" It really, really hurts. It is sad that miscarriage comes with no predetermined cultural rituals that declare our pain. Instead, it is up to those of us who've been through it to support and sorrow with our friends when they suffer. I wish I hadn't had to go through this to understand it, but let us comfort others; let our pain be blessed by the Lord to transform us; to make us instruments of His grace!

Safely Met!

Number One Son has been met by my brother in Asia!

He tells us he had a bit of excitement: His plane was 45 minutes late leaving home and he only had a 45 minute layover. He had to run to make the next segment!

I'm wondering what the Lord had in mind this morning. I felt an urgent need to pray for him after his plane landed - he was probably clearing customs. After some time, the need to pray went away and moments later the phone rang - he was there!

I am beginning to realize just how much we need to flee to the Lord in prayer when we have anxiety. He is able to give us the peace that passes all understanding in the midst of all sorts of turmoil. For those of us grieving, how important it is, that we seek solace in Him!

This Isn't How I Planned...

Monique Stam, who I met through MOMYS (mothers of many young siblings), sent me this poem after the loss of our twins. It really blessed me.

My eyes long to see you

Now you behold Him.

My arms ache for you

Now you know perfect love.

My ears yearn for your voice

Now you sing His praises.

I desire to feed you

Now you will never know hunger.

I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet

Now you play at His pierced ones.

I dreamed of years of love and laughter

Now you will never know pain.

I longed to watch you grow and develop

Now you are perfect.

This isn't how I planned

But I know He loves you.

By Monique Stam (Used by permission)

Will It Ever Be Over?

I think the short answer is "Yes, you will get to the point that you can function again and you will find joy in life again. Time and God's mercy will heal you." AND "No, you will never be the same. You will never forget - and you don't want to." I know these are both true, because my father tragically died when I was fourteen and I have lived grief, recovered joy, and have never forgotten - and don't want to. His memory is precious to me. I sometimes feel sad, but I don't ever feel overwhelmed. I know our present grief will be comforted as well.

My current issue is when will it be over physically??? I know no one can tell me that, but even after the Big Fat Negative, yesterday when I was getting my son a Chinese visa, I passed a little more tissue and started bleeding some more. Enough already!

Peace

I think that the most important sources of peace for me in the midst of this incredible heartbreak have been two facts:

My twins are together and they are in heaven! I know this because when David's infant son died, King David, the man after God's own heart said that he would join his child in heaven.

My twins were not cut down before their time, they lived every day that they were appointed to live. There is nothing I could have done to stop the miscarriage. I did nothing wrong. The doctors made no mistakes. These little ones were planned for heaven. They will never suffer, never be hurt, never cry from sorrow or fear. They are safe and cared for more tenderly than even I could ever do. I'm so glad they are okay. That whole Psalm is a comfort to me!

Now, make no mistake! I really, really miss our babies and I have cried and cried. I cry though, because I want them with me. I want to hold them and kiss them and raise them to see them become wonderful grown-ups as I have seen our other children. That can't be, so I mourn, but we don't mourn as those who have no hope.

Someone who wrote me after I asked for prayer about the miscarriage, reminded me of something that really helped me: It is okay to cry! Our Lord Jesus cried over the death of Lazarus, even though he knew that He would shortly raise him from the dead! Death is sorrowful, a tragedy, and it is proper to mourn. Let us never forget though, that death will not have the final victory!

Please, sisters, flee to Christ to wipe away your tears! It is the only hope to see our little ones again!